The Quick Answer
No, toddlers shouldn't pick their own bedtime. But the research behind that headline makes a good point: bedtime works best when it matches your toddler's body clock. Put a toddler down before their body is ready and you can get 40 to 60 minutes of stalling. Put them down too late and you get an overtired meltdown. The answer isn't letting your toddler decide. It's choosing a bedtime based on when they woke up and when their nap ended.
I'm a firm believer in an earlier bedtime. In my years as a sleep consultant, one of the most common problems I see is a toddler going to bed too late, which makes it harder to fall asleep and raises the risk of night wakings and early mornings. So when a headline announced that it's "best to let toddlers pick their bedtime," I'll admit I had a moment of self-doubt. Then I read the research.
What the Research Actually Found
The headline came from a small study by sleep researcher Monique LeBourgeois and colleagues at the University of Colorado Boulder. They measured toddlers' melatonin, the sleep hormone, and compared it with the bedtime their parents chose. Toddlers who were put to bed before their melatonin had started to rise took 40 to 60 minutes to fall asleep and resisted bedtime more. Source
A related study from the same team found that a toddler's melatonin starts rising roughly 45 minutes before their usual bedtime, and about one in five toddlers were being put to bed before it had started. Source
When I first wrote about this, I was skeptical, and some of that skepticism stands: it was a small study, and it doesn't tell us how naps, morning wake-up time or what's happening in a toddler's life affect their body clock. But the core finding fits what I see every week. Timing matters. A toddler who isn't ready for sleep will fight it, no matter how good your routine is.
So Why Shouldn't Toddlers Pick?
Because the study's real lesson is about the body clock, not about who's in charge.
- Toddlers can't read their body clock. Ask a two-year-old when they'd like to go to bed and the answer is "later," or "after the party in the living room ends."
- Toddlers need predictable boundaries. Testing limits is their job. A bedtime that's up for negotiation every night invites a battle every night.
- Too late is the more common problem. An overtired toddler doesn't look sleepy. They look busy, silly and wired.
Give your toddler small choices (which pajamas, which two books, who turns off the light) and keep the bedtime itself for the grown-ups. Here's more on how that works in Toddler Bedtime Battles: How to Create Calm, Consistent Evenings.
How to Find Your Toddler's Right Bedtime
In The Helping Toddlers Sleep Method, timing is the second pillar, and bedtime follows the day rather than the clock on the wall.
- Start with morning wake-up time. Your toddler's wake-up time sets their body clock. A toddler who sleeps until 8:00 a.m. usually isn't ready for a 6:30 p.m. bedtime.
- Count from the end of the nap. Most toddlers on one nap are ready for sleep about 4 to 5 hours after they wake up from it. See the full chart in Wake Windows by Age.
- Adjust in 15-minute steps. Taking more than 20 minutes to fall asleep or singing in bed? Try 15 minutes later. Meltdowns, night wakings or 5:00 a.m. starts? Try 15 minutes earlier. Hold each change for 3 to 5 nights before you judge it.
- Keep the routine the same every night, about 20 to 30 minutes, in the room where your toddler sleeps. Here's how to build a calming bedtime routine.
When Bedtime Suddenly Turns Into a Battle
If your toddler used to go down easily and now resists, check these before you change anything else:
- Is a nap transition coming? Between 14 and 18 months, many toddlers are ready to move from two naps to one. Here's the 2-1 nap transition.
- Is the nap too long or too late? A 2-year-old still napping 3 hours may not be tired at bedtime. Try waking them after about 2 hours to protect bedtime.
- Is the nap on its way out? Somewhere between 3 and 4, many children drop their nap. When it goes, bedtime usually needs to move significantly earlier. Here's when kids stop napping.
- Has something changed? A new daycare, a new sibling or a burst of new words can leave your toddler needing more connection. Try 10 to 15 minutes of one-on-one time before the routine starts.
Toddler Sleep Help in Palo Alto and the Bay Area
We help families across Palo Alto, Menlo Park, Mountain View, Los Altos, Sunnyvale, Cupertino and San Jose find a bedtime that works for their toddler and their real life, and we coach families virtually anywhere.
- Toddler 2 to 4 years? Explore toddler sleep coaching →
- Prefer to learn on your own time? Try the Helping Toddlers Sleep online class →
- Ready to talk? Book your intro call →
Frequently Asked Questions
Should I let my toddler choose their own bedtime?
No. Toddlers can't read their own body clock, and if you ask, most will choose "later." Bedtime is a decision for the grown-ups. What the research does tell us is to set it with your toddler's body clock in mind: base it on when they woke up and when their nap ended, not on an arbitrary time.
What time should a toddler go to bed?
Most toddlers do best falling asleep between 7:00 and 8:00 p.m., about 4 to 5 hours after their nap ends. Toddlers who have dropped their nap often need an earlier bedtime, around 6:30 to 7:00 p.m. A toddler who sleeps in later in the morning will usually need a later bedtime too.
How do I know if my toddler's bedtime is too early?
If your toddler regularly takes longer than 20 minutes to fall asleep, sings or plays happily in bed, or keeps getting up, bedtime may be earlier than their body clock is ready for. Try moving it 15 minutes later and hold the change for 3 to 5 nights.
How do I know if my toddler's bedtime is too late?
Meltdowns before bed, falling asleep the moment their head hits the pillow, more night wakings and early mornings around 5:00 a.m. can all point to a bedtime that's too late. Try moving it 15 minutes earlier and hold the change for 3 to 5 nights.
Can I give my toddler choices at bedtime?
Yes, small controlled choices help toddlers feel some control: which pajamas, which two books, who turns off the light. Choosing when bedtime happens isn't one of the choices. Keep the time and the steps the same every night.
Keep Reading
- The Helping Toddlers Sleep Method: 5 Pillars for Toddler Sleep (Ages 2–4)
- Toddler Bedtime Battles: How to Create Calm, Consistent Evenings
- Wake Windows by Age: A Simple Guide for Parents
- How to Build a Calming Bedtime Routine for Babies and Toddlers
- Toddler Won't Stay in Bed? How to Help Your Toddler Stay in Bed
- The Helping Babies Sleep Method: The Complete Overview
About the Author
Sarah Mitchell, BKin, DC (retired) is the founder of Helping Babies Sleep, a Bay Area sleep consulting agency based in Palo Alto, and the author of the Amazon bestseller The Helping Babies Sleep Method: The Art and Science of Teaching Your Baby to Sleep. A retired chiropractor, Certified Lactation Counselor, RIE Foundations graduate and member of the Society of Behavioral Sleep Medicine, she has supported more than 1,000 families over 13 years.
Sources
- LeBourgeois MK, Wright KP, LeBourgeois HB, Jenni OG. Dissonance between parent-selected bedtimes and young children's circadian physiology influences nighttime settling difficulties. Mind, Brain, and Education, 2013. Link · ScienceDaily summary
- LeBourgeois MK, et al. Circadian phase and its relationship to nighttime sleep in toddlers. Journal of Biological Rhythms, 2013. Link
